Anxiety and Progress

Hi everyone,

I am posting this on my cousin‘s blog because we are trying to create something together, and this is not an appeal for help, but I want to be able to look back and see the rough spots, as well as the good. Be warned, therefore, that this is long, rambling, and likely to be useless. You can just skip it if in a rush.

My name is Kentaro, and I am a bit eccentric. Despite this, I’ve made friendly relations with many people across the world, and continually striven to maintain a progressive attitude.

This hasn’t been easy, and in fact, I think I’ve made major mistakes, which I am now working on correcting. We are now working on correcting. Because, we (as in, human beings) are not actually capable of doing much alone, but the focus on super-strong singular heroes skews perception to make it seem that way; on the other hand, we don’t have to accept that circumstances will prevent us from being actually who we aspire to become.

That is not just theory for me, we have experienced it in many ways.

However, simple-minded people who are frustrated, impatient, can tend to discourage us, and worse, induce similar attitudes.

What is worse, “mass media” is full of images of simple-minded, frustrated, impatient people, acting that way and tempting us to do the same.

Being tempted is fine, but at some people we should avoid those temptations and focus on fostering more of what we want in life.

I am facing a lot of anxiety now, because the projects which we want to do require some things which we do not have yet, and are very big in terms of effect, which brings up a feeling that we aren’t really worth big rewards or high esteem. This feeling is based on a lot of residual malware: junk which is a combination of emotional baggage, and “false evidence appearing real”, which is a good way to spell out “fear” but is not, in my opinion, that useful in overcoming fear, itself.

Anxiety, at least the way I experience it when I clear launch a new project, is something quite different from fear, and quite different from self-condemnation based on “false evidence”. That is another thing, altogether. However, there is value to using reason to steer emotions, and to expressing the malware so you can replace it with affirmative, supportive, useful patterns of thinking, feeling, and thus living.

Now, I normally write essays like this to myself, in private letters. I don’t post them publicly, and I don’t think they are useful for others. It may be useful for you, but that is a bonus… in general, I only post things in public that I want to read later, but also, that I think that at least one person can find useful.

However, right now, I want to share that I do experience anxiety. However, I use a variety of techniques to dissolve the anxiety and then get closer to the root cause, and build something better.

It is very difficult work, painful, and it is tempting to only distract myself… but it is the only thing which has always had intrinsic worth, rather than externally confirmed worth. Ideally, it will also lead to things which have externally confirmed worth. However, this time, I … want to reflect the struggles a bit, so that in the future, if anyone is struggling, and they are tempted to think that is uncommon, they can refer to this and know that yes, even the guy who wrote this and that, and who “has it made”, had struggles.

Today, I didn’t have anyone to turn to, either… that is, I didn’t try very hard to turn to others, and I don’t have anyone nearby to turn to. This is because the work that is critical is not the intrinsic emotional work, but the project-building work. Thus, I made this part of the project, but also, part of the emotional work. For this time only.

I resolve not to do this again, so I want this public as a point of reference that everyone, no matter how advanced they seem, can have a “bad day” or “anxiety attack”, although this is neither as severe as a panic attack, nor a bad day. To be honest, the day has been wonderful, at least for the most part.

Now, I’m going to “turn off” the anxiety. Then, I am going to resume work on the project which triggered (but didn’t really cause) it. Within a few years, I’ll be able to look back and say “wow, I use to have severe anxiety, but I don’t anymore, I’m glad” and that will be that… and I am stating this to help people who deal with much worse problems, much more strong psycho-somatic symptoms, and much less resources than I have been afforded.

However, I won’t do it again… because it is not good to dwell in a bad place. It is not good to focus on misery. It is not good to focus so much on problems that you refuse to work on the solutions. It is not good to fall into a pit of despair, if you can help it, and right now, I very much can help it… and for those in the pit, you can ascend out of it. I did in the past, and I can avoid it in the future. There’s a depression comix about this very thing, actually.

This is meant to record emotions, but it might not help… and I may never read it again… but I think that, in the future, when I choose not to help others to dwell on suffering, nor recommend any solution, it is because of days like this, when I took an honest look at my social connections, and my lifestyle, and my projects, and the past, and the future, and I realized that I could play the “blame game”, but I resist doing that. I could fester in pain, but I avoid doing that. I could give up on ambition, but I won’t. I could define myself by mistakes, but I won’t.

I could accept anti-help in place of help, and say that that is the best society is capable of, but I won’t.

We, who aspire, to do anything, no matter how small, how big, how intrinsic (i.e. for the self, and not necessarily for others directly), how thankless (i.e. for the betterment of a group who, by all rights, could be said to be too stagnant, too weak, and too dangerous to help, as Nehemiah could have assessed the Jewish people as being), or how easy (for the right path of progress has a positive momentum which makes it, self-sustaining, but the difficulty is following it against the tides of common complacencies), have to remember that we are never alone.

We have the various examples of others, and we can connect, in our imaginations, to heroes, to mentors, the even our future self, and regain courage. We are never, ever alone, unless we choose to be.

We are not our pain, our suffering, or illness, or our needs.

We must be able to view all of those things apart, and remember that we can receive what we need to construct what we want,

but on the other hand, we will never be able to choose for another.

So we have to accept the choices of others: not their sayings, but their actual choices.

We can try to negotiate something that might be better, but we cannot dis-respect others by choosing for them. We must always choose our own attitudes, only, and even if we feel assaulted, we should always fight for what is virtuous.

Now, I know what my next major step has to be, but it will take me away from my previous cadence of casual posting on the Bajan13K blog, for about two weeks. After that, I will likely post less often, as well, but I am happy with what I did before, it brought me to the point where I have the courage to face the more difficult projects.

The next step involves defining precisely some details which are very difficult for me to define. To help, I bought some books, but I have to make time to read them and do the work of planning and revision until I am happy with it. This is intimidating work, but necessary. I know I can do it, because I did something even harder before, which required similar skills. So I have realistic hope, and the resources, and the will, and the skill.

However, I have to pace myself and remove the major barrier, which I won’t share right now but it is a deep emotional scar… as for method… I want to describe it, but words elude me. I am sorry for that. They are many, many methods which I have used, and I will describe them later. We have already mentioned some books and such which can help, and reading the books helps you to see opportunities to develop skills; but I have also been doing practical work with groups as well (cautiously, a group can be anti-help as well, you have to manage expectations, time, and attitude).

To be honest, the best way for me to go forwards is to go forwards. So I will go do that, now. I spent about two hours typing this up… it wasn’t a stream of consciousness, but rather, a reflection based on an ongoing resolution to a crisis, attempting to make notes.

Life is complex, but it is not complicated. Bad habits can create complications. We can remove those complications by developing good habits.

Although I said this was useless, here are some references, in case you want to learn by reading:

  1. Chi Nei Tsang (Mantak Chia) is a method of self-massage which anyone can learn, and use to clear out the physical effects of emotional damage. It is also useful in accelerating healing from “purely physical” problems, and such. I only have the main book but have worked with people who have gone deeper into the system, and it is of benefit. For my purposes, the one book is enough for now, as I don’t intent to either become a professional direct healer nor reseller of the system (there’s a whole business model behind it), but anyone can just buy one book and make their choice
  2. The Mastery of Love, by Miguel Ruiz. This explains how emotional garbage comes to be, and how to eliminate it. Somewhat. I only agree with about 80% of it, and the 20% that I disagree with, I think is critical in choosing priorities and a life path. However, it is worth reading for the thinking it inspired and the “good stuff” is worth it, you will “know the bad” if it applies in your case.
  3. My upcoming booklet. I will shortly make it available as an “ebook”, but if you want to save money and time, just seek “mutual respect”. That phrase is not in the booklet, however, but it feels silly to talk about something you cannot see rather than working towards letting you see it.
  4. Anything written by people who are doing something close to what you might want to do. If you want to make any changes to you life, you have to make changes to you life. If you don’t know how, you can find out. Reading from the best is a good way to start. Writing your own plans continues. Forming a team to make it a part of life, a reality, is the completion. Teams can consist mostly of imaginary people (worked for Napoleon Hill, author of Think and Grow Rich, Master Key To Riches, and who grew from self-proclaimed illiteracy to wealth).

Okay, so, perhaps I wrote those parts to remind myself…. but they are many other things that I have read, as well. those are just the popular ones. Reading is also not as helpful as finding people to work with, but beware, as I said before, to let their choices be their choices… focus on your own stability and aspirations, rather than amplifying any pain of apparent rejection.

Finally, don’t reject yourself. Put yourself at the forefront, ahead of the common habits of “killing time”. Time must be seen as an investment, rather than a burden.

On a related not, take something good to read or listen to whilst waiting. I don’t make audiobooks yet, but now that I think about it, I should dictate stuff like this to myself. It would prevent getting too distracted whilst waiting in long lines, and such like.

My anxiety is gone.

I didn’t try to deal directly with it. Rather, I focused on “encouragement”, “kindness”, “constructive creativity”. Literally, they are hundreds of pages that I’ve read, and likely as much that I have written, about how this works, and I wish it worked for everyone.

But, it doesn’t… so, sorry… I can’t heal you or heal the world. I wish that I could, but it is not my place and there is only one way, that I know of, to gain full healing: risk full honesty, and lose your socially bound “self”(ego) to the dance of being alive.

I don’t mean to say everything that comes to mind. That isn’t being honest, because it might be an embedded lie.

I don’t mean to lose your awareness, such as by using various pacification techniques, such as watching television… I mean loose the concept of being defined by society, needing to have a place. You have many roles, many places, but they are not the fullness of you. Many may even be dangerous to you.

To dance, we need partners, so I am thankful for my “foster family”, that is, those who are helping to foster projects with me (the phrase “foster family” doesn’t have the expected meaning, ne?). I do need to keep this aspiration alive, and to also withdraw a bit from previous types of distractions.

Since writing doesn’t help everyone, I don’t intend to focus on writing as a way to help directly, but I do think that with a bit of editing, what I have discovered is worth reading… and perhaps more importantly, I think that I need to live more boldly, more courageous, by the standards of my own priorities, and not worry about the misunderstandings that it can cause, when people who … are simpletons…. attempt to grasp the wind that is the spirit of a living human being.

This gives me a bit of discomfort, to “look down at” people, but I don’t think a particular person is a simpleton. I think we all can be simpletons. That is part of why I am working on the projects that I am, not only to keep myself progressing in intelligence, but also, to retain my ability to be myself, and not lapse into complacent simpleton shells, as many people do as they get older.

It is true that “the true way cannot be told”, but it can be experiences.

Love for others is part of this, but love for ourselves, and for our true aspirations, is something that becomes complex due to how competitive progression intrinsic is…. and that competitive nature (but it isn’t destructive competition, more… best allocation of resources from the source of inspiration) is aspiring, it is a benefit, and it is also torture to minimize the importance of this cadence of living.

So, with the permission that I gave myself to be useless, I nonetheless hope that, in an era when people tend to express simplified extremes and well thought out arguments, you can take away something else from this post… the knowledge that to face negative emotions, and to risk honest reflection, is worthwhile.

The pain which appears will pass, and more health (vitality) and virtue (a resident conscious energy, accumulated by positive attitude, restfulness, and so forth) will appear as you see the absolute positive truth about yourself, despite the mixed “facts” and “opinions” and other social concerns which arise to keep you distracted.

Right now, I have to be selfish, and go off and restore the rest of my joyfulness.

There was no plan to do this… I planned to do totally different things today… in fact, to not even be in the studio at this time, certainly not writing… but my planning brought up the fact that difficulty needs to be safe to share, as well as triumphs, advice, and skills.

However, I think it is irresponsible for me to make a habit of it… so this will be the last time I speak about the struggles of emotion that we all go through… and I will never try to help anyone directly with them (again) because the result is always that I feel sad, and less worthwhile.

Compassion, for me, includes having comprehension of the casual factors…. and I am not the casual factor in your suffering (aside from making you suffer through this), but I will feel responsible if I attempt to help, because of “affection”; until I cure that, I’ll do myself the kindness of affirming that I have my one life to live, and we (speaking of my cousins, “foster family” as noted above, etc.) who have made history by being loyal, loving, and mutually respectful within each other are necessary, as are the inspirations from those who have already “made it” and “done it”.

At this stage, I cannot afford to be distracted any longer, and so I breaking the bad habit of dis-respecting others by trying to change them “for the better”, or dis-respecting others by ignoring them altogether. Being honest is often disregarded as manipulation by manipulative people, but we get caught in a paranoid loop if we don’t acknowledge the intervention and accessibility of the gentle “voice” of the spirit of truth.

Failure to put in the time, to be honest, leads to drifting away from the major things… which is why I am glad that I put “our” projects as a priority last year. I wish it had been the ultimate priority, rather than a major but not quite life-giving priority. That problem, I will correct this year… although my circumstances do not support it as I would like, we have together bypassed what we had to, and build what we could afford to, and cleared out what we could.

We will continue, and prevail, and do many other things worth doing… and I am a bit angry about that. I feel the sun burning away the anger, and the moon moistening my eyes, and my tears being wiped away by a nameless force which bring the courage needed.

The mysteries of the universe can be encapsulated in short sayings, but to love yourself, sometimes you have to draw lines between yourself and others, and create more space by investing more time.

This is all justification for action which I hope can lead me away from affection, and out of the traps which maintain loops of anxiety, distraction, despair, imbalance, sickness, discord, and more anxiety (hence, a loop: they happen in order).

It is also, useless…. I can envision how we could work it into something more useful. First, though, we have to make a budget for that…. a time to create money budget.

It is a long rant, and not how I usually deal with emotions… I never share directly like this, and hope never to do so again… but I am, emotionally, clear and mentally prepared for what comes next.

I took this part for a reason I cannot fully describe… it won’t be happening again; even if I need to rant, I will do it off-line, but somehow, I think, during this darkness before dawn, it needs to be recorded, raw and as accurately as possible.

Nonetheless, what helped was not the writing, but the gentleness and acknowledgement… between the words. I am sorry that I couldn’t share that directly. Perhaps, later on, I might be able to at least portray it.

Sorry for leaving this useless thing here.

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